(AP), Buick, SD, Jan 14, 2008

Famed golfer, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods (handicap unknown), son of an African-American-Kansan and a Thai lady (which naturally makes him [Tiger] a “black” man), was in Buick preparing for the Buick Invitational Golf Tournament, which will be his first win of the year.

He and his wife, the former Elin Nordegren, an unbelievably gorgeous Swedish model, and their 7 month old daughter, Sam, decided to take advantage of the sub-tropical weather to visit the famous Buick Zoo. Sam remarked that she was mildly surprised about the warm temperatures and gentle trade winds. Tiger chuckled, and gave her a detailed explanation of the meteorological hypotheses behind the phenomenon, and helped her with the outline of the copious notes she had taken.

(This journalist recognizes that you are perhaps wondering what all this has to do with the alleged “Tiger Mollification Incident”. You need background, people. Besides I am the highly trained professional, and you are not! Capisce?)

Upon arriving at the “petting” portion, positioned prominently, per protocol, PETA protested passionately, putting parental pressure on the Woods family. Not wanting Sam to be exposed to this insane behavior at her tender age, Elin and Tiger decided to take her to the safer “Evil Feral Creatures” exhibit.   

A four year-old girl, we’ll call her “Susie”, mainly because her name is “Susie”, was enjoying her delicious chocolate double-scoop ice cream cone near the gorilla cage. Her father thoughtfully picked her up, and placed her inside the “zone of safety” barrier, encouraging her to get a better look at the ferocious behemoth. And then, the unforeseeable happened.

We won’t describe in detail what occurred in the following moments. Let it suffice to say that Tiger Woods witnessed the entire incident, rushing to come to the aid of the defenseless child. Woods was obviously determined, even pushing handicapable people to the ground in order to save this child.

Despite his heroic efforts, when Mr. Woods reached the little girl, the worst had happened. The gorilla had taken her beloved ice cream cone and retreated to his favorite rock with the delectable treat.

Susie was utterly distraught at the loss of her prize. Tiger, of course, didn’t touch her in a consoling fashion, knowing how the press would report that. Instead of physical contact with the girl, he reached for his wallet, withdrew five crisp one-hundred dollar bills, and gave them to the crying child.

Susie’s mom lovingly moistened a Kleenex© in the fashion that mothers disgustingly do, and wiped away her tears and bits of chocolate residue from her face. She held on to the $500 for safe keeping.

Tiger quietly slipped back into the crowd totally anonymous, except for the three-iron that he carries everywhere.

“Mr. Perfect” had saved the day again. He has a really hot wife, an adorable daughter, money out the ying-yang, and is incapable of screwing up. I hate his guts.